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When I was a girl, I learnt something about hormones. Some were okay – it was fine to talk about things like adrenaline and testosterone. There was even some grudging respect for ‘adrenaline junkies’, and men with a lot of testosterone were viewed with a level of admiration for their ‘manliness’. 

Women’s hormones were things to be whispered about though. Menstruation and menopause were not for open discussion. The fluctuation of women’s hormones was not only taboo, but were actually a flaw in how women worked. Jokes about ‘that time of life’ and how crazy women went lurked under the surface. Women’s anger and emotion about anything could be flippantly and quietly dismissed as ‘just her time of the month’. 

When I was 12 I started my periods. This coincided with my mother starting the menopause, and my dad leaving home (for the first time – he came and went over the next decade or so, it was pretty chaotic). Our house was awash with hormones that we couldn’t speak about. 

What I did learn though, was how the menopause meant that my mother felt she was no longer a real woman. She was diminished, finished, completely without worth. I didn’t realise I was internalising her beliefs and perceptions; those stories stayed with me, without question, for a long time. This was backed up by the seeming disappearance of women on our TV screens once they reached their 40s; and how the male romantic leads continued on our screens, but with younger and younger women as their female leads.

When I reached the perimenopause though, I realised I’m not ready to disappear. I see a world that is changing, slowly but surely. Women are stepping into their power all around me, realising we can change the stories. 

What stories did you internalise about women’s hormones? How have those stories changed? 

You know how you were a really great parent – before you had kids? 

Did you get that too? When you looked at other people’s kids and knew for sure you wouldn’t do it that way; when you were so clear that your kids wouldn’t act that way, or you would do it differently, so much better.

That, my friends, is where most mum judgment comes from. From those who have literally no experience and no idea what you are going through; and from your own leftover internal judge who was so clear on how things would be, and had no idea how hard it was actually going to be.

It is so important to remember this, and re-frame those thoughts and feelings of judgement.

Ask yourself, ‘Does anyone really care how I’m doing this? Does it really matter what they think anyway? Or is this just me judging myself?’

The answers you give yourself to these questions can be quite surprising. One thing I have noticed as I practice this more is how much less judgmental I am of those around me, not just myself.

It is almost as though when I am caught up in feelings of being judged by others, I am more likely to project that outwards and think less kindly of people around me. I find myself more likely to label people, and assume the worst about them. I am likely to think the worst about what they are thinking about me.

When I am kinder and less judgemental to myself, I find it naturally spills over into the world around me. If someone ignores me, or sounds short-tempered when speaking to me, I am more likely to cut them some slack too, and think that perhaps they’re having a bad day or have some tough stuff going on instead of imagining that they are angry with me for some reason.

How wonderful that inner kindness becomes outer kindness, and makes the world a better place!

Over many years of personal and professional development, I have come across the idea of Imposter Syndrome as something that continues to hold women back. I have felt it; most women I know have felt it; some men say they have felt it too, but I have always largely considered it to be a problem within women. Something that needs fixing, a flaw that can hold us back if we don’t sort it out.

How startling it is to suddenly confront my own fixed biases; ideas and beliefs so deeply rooted that I don’t even recognise that they are part of a story that has been woven throughout my life. A story of my own unacknowledged and unnoticed whiteness; a story of the patriarchy that I am truly a product and a part of.

This article on Imposter Syndrome has made me literally stop in my tracks, and look at the issue with fresh eyes.

““Imposter syndrome,” or doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud at work, is a diagnosis often given to women. But the fact that it’s considered a diagnosis at all is problematic. The concept, whose development in the ‘70s excluded the effects of systemic racism, classism, xenophobia, and other biases, took a fairly universal feeling of discomfort, second-guessing, and mild anxiety in the workplace and pathologized it, especially for women. The answer to overcoming imposter syndrome is not to fix individuals, but to create an environment that fosters a number of different leadership styles and where diversity of racial, ethnic, and gender identities is viewed as just as professional as the current model.”

Maybe my feeling that I don’t deserve success; that I don’t really belong; that my ideas don’t fit with the culture within the workplace; maybe all along, these weren’t internal feelings at all. Looking back, these were ideas reinforced by the people I was working with – often on a subconscious level, hinted at – but sometimes said out loud. Like when I would routinely challenge the older, white male colleague for his blatant racist remarks directed at the children in our care. His response was to call me a ‘Stupid woman’, in front of the pupils; he would openly sneer at my ‘wishy washy liberal’ values; he would goad me and taunt me. I left, and went to work elsewhere.

What did I take with me though? Further evidence that I was not worthy of success within that culture. My ideas were unacceptable – even though this was directly contradicted by a focus on diversity and inclusion which said that he was wrong, and I was right – the cognitive dissonance confusing and disorienting, further adding to my feelings of anxiety and discomfort.

“Although feelings of uncertainty are an expected and normal part of professional life, women who experience them are deemed to suffer from imposter syndrome. Even if women demonstrate strength, ambition, and resilience, our daily battles with microaggressions, especially expectations and assumptions formed by stereotypes and racism, often push us down. Imposter syndrome as a concept fails to capture this dynamic and puts the onus on women to deal with the effects. Workplaces remain misdirected toward seeking individual solutions for issues disproportionately caused by systems of discrimination and abuses of power.“

Maybe, this isn’t our problem to resolve at all, as individuals.

How is your post-natal body doing?

Mine is fine. 

Well, I say ‘fine’. It has been 9 years since my second c-section birth. My body is doing okay. I can do most things I want my body to do. I don’t usually leak, my pelvic floor is okay.

I have known for a long time – well, probably 9 years! – that my body is only just ‘fine’. My c-section scar has continued to be a little sensitive and sore when touched; so I just don’t touch it. My core strength has never been great; I’m strong in my upper body and that has always allowed me to get away with not using my core muscles properly. That has only got worse with two c-sections. I get niggles in my lower back, hips, knees and ankles, especially when I try to implement a proper running routine. In fact, my knees and ankles always start to hurt or get injured every time I get back to a proper exercise routine, but it’s fine.

Until I decided it is no longer fine. I actually don’t have to put up with those niggles. I deserve to feel better than ‘fine’. I deserve to feel great! My body is amazing – it has done amazing things and taken me to amazing places. And I want to maintain fitness and strength as I navigate these menopausal years and beyond.

For many years now, I have been recommending Libby Phillips, a local chiropractor at S1 Chiropractic, who specialises in pre- and post-natal work. I know she is great because so many of my colleagues, acquaintances, friends and clients have recommended her, so I recommend her in turn to my clients.

Finally, I thought, ‘What about me?’ This summer, I decided to focus on my physical health with the aim of getting beyond ‘fine’, to a place of ‘really good’.

I realised I needed to go back to basics, so I decided to try out the Mutu system. I am loving it; I love the fact I can fit the exercises in around everything else, and it builds up slowly so I can create better habits as I go along, instead of trying to make huge, overwhelming changes all at once. I can keep track of it all online, and get the motivation from seeing it all building up.

Finally, I also booked in to see Libby – and she really is great. Even after the first session I started to feel so much better. Many of my questions about the little niggles over the years were explained. The treatments, alongside the Mutu core exercises, and those that she has recommended are really helping me to feel so much better on a really basic level. I honestly can’t recommend her enough!

But there are two things going on here: firstly, my willingness to spend the time, energy and money on myself – in really prioritising sorting out my health and seeking out Libby’s expertise to support me. But the second, equally important thing, is for me to keep investing the time and energy to prioritise the exercises and little adjustments I need to make in order for this to really be successful; for me to really make sustainable and long lasting change.

Of course, the first couple of days were great – I did the exercises without fail, really kept noticing what my body was doing, and what it should be doing and making those adjustments. 

Then it all started to slip a bit.

Having Libby to reassure me that it is all okay, and that changing habits does take a long time, is priceless. She believes I’m worth it, and it helps me to believe I’m worth it! I keep taking these small steps, with my eye on the bigger picture, and the future where I don’t have to have painful hips and knees. 

But I need to keep doing it. Every day. And that feels great! Keeping my physical health in the forefront of my mind feels wonderful. It doesn’t have to be for ever. It won’t be forever. Pretty soon, if I keep going, all these things will become my new habits; my new way of being. They won’t require the energy needed right now to make sure they become new habits.

As a coach, this is what I want to offer you. I know you are fine just as you are. I know you want to make changes to be that bit better at being who you are. 

When you come on a retreat with me; work with me online or face to face; in groups or as individuals; I know you feel good in that moment. It then requires effort from you to keep with it, to keep the focus on yourself while you make those changes that become your new habits.

Watch out for all the new ways I will be supporting you taking those tiny steps – so you can make small, manageable changes without the overwhelm!

Keep going, beautiful souls. 

Have you ever wondered exactly why you would benefit from working with a life coach?

One of the best parts of coaching is catching up with clients to find out how things are going for them, and the difference coaching makes to their life.

I recently received a wonderful testimonial from a client I worked with last year; her list of accomplishments is phenomenal!

“As promised, here’s the list of all the changes that the programme of life coaching has helped me make:

I applied for promotion and was successful! I’m now an associate professor!

Before coming to life coaching, I was frustrated that I didn’t feel I had a way of expressing myself intellectually and creatively. Over the last year, I have developed a big project working with some really interesting people, for which I will apply for funding (but I have faith that some of the project will happen regardless of securing this funding). This was the result of a visualisation exercise we did, which helped me to think creatively about what I would want to do in an ideal world and this project is very close to my dream! (fingers crossed I get funding for this). I have also been better at asking people for what I need to help this happen, including asking people to commit to being involved (which involved them writing letters of support) and to read my proposal to help make it as best as possible. This was noticed by our department administrator.

I feel more secure in what I’m doing and worry less about how I compare to others. It doesn’t matter to me if someone has a better career than me provided I’m enjoying what I’m doing.

I passed my driving test over 10 years ago and hadn’t driven at all (apart from one occassion that reinforced the feeling that I shouldn’t drive). Since life coaching, I have started driving and I enjoy it. I no longer see this as something I shouldn’t be doing and I find it easier to move on after making mistakes. I am already a much much better and more confident driver. This has made my life much easier!

I used to be frustrated that I didn’t seem to get the same opportunities as other people. Life coaching helped me to take seriously that idea of making your own luck and asking people for what I need and want (within reason) rather than waiting to be noticed. I contacted the editor of a journal to see if they would commission an article on poetry and they said yes! This is a really nice moment for me.

I’ve lost a stone in weight after radically changing my diet and feel generally more healthy. How this happened was the result of not hating my body but instead wanting to stop punishing myself by eating poorly.

I’ve developed a better support network including a local physiotherapist, sports massage, dentist (I hadn’t been to the dentist for 6-7 years). I also get my hair cut more frequently (now 2 times per year, when previously it was more like once at a push)

I have become better at creating boundaries between work and home including taking fridays to work from home. I also have a much more balanced life (although there is still room for improvement!). My partner and I have started exploring the peak district by going walking after work (usually on a friday). 

I don’t shy away from having intellectual conversations with others (I used to avoid such conversations or turn them away from the intellectual content).

I’m also better at walking away from conversations that aren’t working for me (for instance, situations where I am being excluded — I used to stay around and get frustrated, I now move on to talk to someone else when this happens).

I have improved my confidence as a teacher — rather than spend my time concerned with whether or not the students are enjoying it, I instead enjoy what we are discussing, which has had a positive impact on them!

I really am amazed at what a difference it has made to my life and I struggle to remember what I was like before but I do know that I found it hard to do things for me, I was working too much (including evenings and weekends), which had really started to affect my friends and family, I struggled to concentrate and wasn’t very productive (which led to feeling even more stressed). 

I have struggled with depression, stress and low self esteem for much of my adult life. Life coaching with you has made the biggest impact so far. Unlike with counselling, I looked forward to each appointment and came out of each feeling stronger than before.”

Stress is the body’s response to a threat, in the simplest terms. It is useful to go into ‘fight or flight’ mode if you are in immediate danger; it becomes a problem when you are spending too much time in that state of stress, in response to things that aren’t actually dangerous to you.

People get stressed for all sorts for reasons at Christmas; there is so much to do with a strict time limit. From buying presents to preparing food; meeting up with all the various branches of the family, friends and colleagues; feelings of grief, loss and loneliness if you are unable to spend time with loved ones; there are so many extra responsibilities that we need to pay attention to at this time of year. We try to squeeze a week’s worth of activity into a single day – every day.

Many of these pressures, though, actually come from our internal expectations. The desire to give the perfect gift, serve the perfect meal, be there for everyone, and be happy and joyful throughout it all. 

Add to this the fact that we have had a whole year of cumulative stress building up – little things piling on through the year, ending in this time of fuss and activity – meaning that what we can cope with in September, causes us to feel burnt out by December.

• Be honest – with yourself and others. Be realistic about what commitments you can actually keep without piling too much pressure on yourself.
• Don’t believe the pictures –all those picture perfect Christmas trees, meals, laughing children, joyful pictures you see on social media. It’s only a snapshot of the best of someone else’s life. Moments after the photo was taken, it probably all dissolved in screaming piles of tears. Don’t get sucked into measuring yourself against something that isn’t entirely real.
• Say no. To people, or commitments, whatever is just too much. Ask for help too, people love to be asked and feel useful
• Buy or make gifts that have meaning. You don’t have to give the best or funniest or most expensive gifts. Shop local and support your community.  

Christmas can be a time when old family conflicts resurface; this is perhaps one of the biggest stresses at this time of year. Think about letting some of those old quarrels go – do they really matter anymore? Does it really matter if lunch is late? If someone makes a comment about your house, or children, partner, or life, do you need to respond in a negative way? Try simply smiling and thanking them for their advice.

Keep the conversation light; ask questions that show you are interested in the other person and what they have been doing. This has the added bonus of keeping the attention away from you, which can be great if you often feel criticised by others.

This is the season of goodwill, so be the one to start spreading it! The people around you may well follow your lead…

Merry Christmas!

First published in Castleton Parish News

This is about habits of connection. All our children really want is connection. They want to know that you’re there; that you see them; that you hear them; that you love them.

Over the years, our family have developed our own little traditions; ways of doing things and speaking to each other. It can be really helpful in times of stress to fall back on these little habits to reconnect and get through to a better place.

Especially when they are very young this can feel like an uphill battle. It takes a long time for these things to become habit for us, the adults, and it can be even longer before you start to see your children really start doing them independently.

For years now, we have got into a beautiful habit of giving each other gifts of nice things that we say. When I first introduced the idea, it made my husband squirm with embarrassment. He’s not very comfortable talking about feelings, or giving and receiving compliments.

We don’t do it often; just now and again, around the dinner table. We take it in turns to go round and ether say something nice about each other – something that you like or appreciate about them, or something that you are proud of them for doing, or something you’ve noticed recently. Or, sometimes we say something about ourselves that we’re proud of.

The kids absolutely love it. It models how to give and receive compliments, and how to be nice to yourself too. It makes everyone feel warm, happy, loved. It really kindles that connection, that sense of ‘I see you. I appreciate you’.

I take it a step further and sometimes write little letters or notes that I leave around the house. I even sometimes send little cards through the post with nice things written in them. Leading up to Valentine’s Day this year, I left a little note for each person in the family starting on 1^stFebruary, with something that I love or appreciate about them.

As I said, we have been doing this for years.

And now, the kids have started reciprocating. They both joined in with the Valentine’s notes, not every day but frequently through the fortnight. It is so lovely to receive a little note with something someone values about you. I can see that this is creating beautiful memories for them too, and hopefully they will do something similar with their own children. Maybe they will even take this practice into their work environment when they are older. I can imagine those tiny ripples of kindness and appreciation spreading out, further into the future.

And right now, I’m struggling. I’m overwhelmed with things going on that are beyond my control. These stresses are affecting everyone in the family, but I’m doing my best to push on through with dignity and calm.

This morning, my daughter was in a bit of a grump. I was short tempered and lacking in patience, though trying very hard not to lose it completely. When I went upstairs to brush my teeth, there on the mirror was a note from my son to his sister.

“You are the best big sister anyone could have.”

Right there, stuck to the sink, was a note for me.

“Mummy. I love the way you help me when I need it!”

Right then, my heart lifted. I felt loved, appreciated, by this amazing 8 year old boy.

“Thank you!” I said. “I’ll put this in my pocket so I’ll remember it all day.”

And off we went; more loving, more connected, more able to get on with the day.

 

Has your ego ever got in your way; stopped you from doing something, even if you know it would be good for you?

Mine has. Probably many times.

I’m a bit better at noticing it now, though.

I like running. I can be quite competitive. These are two things about me that make me, me. I’m also getting older, and keep getting physical niggles. Yeah, running and being competitive probably aren’t such a great combo!

Earlier this year, every time I went for a run my knee kept hurting. Really, really hurting. I hadn’t been running for a bit, just due to time pressures and being busy with other stuff. I’d start again, immediately run in the way I know I can (there’s no point going for a slow run, or a short run, right?). Then my knee would hurt. I’d give it another week or so, then repeat the process. Clearly, I needed some help and advice.

A physio gave me some exercises, and also suggested I do the ‘Couch to 5k’.

What?? That’s for really unfit people. I’m not unfit, I can easily run 5k! Oh yes, except when I try, it really hurts….

I saw the sense in what she was suggesting. My ego screamed ‘Noooooo’.

So, I gave it a go. Well, I downloaded it. Then I realised I did need to do it, despite my ego trying to stop me.

You know what? It’s great! It is paced so well, right from the start. I’m enjoying it immensely; I get out for a run, three times a week. I’m gradually progressing, and my knee isn’t hurting. Now that my ego has sat down and shut up, I can just get on and enjoy the progress I’m making, feeling fitter and pain free again.

Where is your ego stopping you? What could you do, if your ego wasn’t telling you not to?

Most of the women I know are always busy. Busy working, looking after the family, busy doing things; endlessly doing for other people.

Last night in our wonderful Women’s Circle, we talked about this busy-ness, and the – often conflicting – need to look after ourselves. It seems to be a fairly common theme, the fact that we take time to look after ourselves only if there is time left over after doing everything else and looking after everyone else.

I introduced the idea of Soft Play, from the One of Many programme. This is a very simple idea, but one that often takes women by surprise.

It is simply this: for one hour a week, plan to do something for you. Something fun – not routine; not work; not looking after yourself; not housework or family time. Not even having fun with others – as soon as you are with someone else you will naturally put energy into making sure they are okay, or listening to their stuff, rather than concentrating on fulfilling your own desires.

For one hour a week, take yourself off alone to replenish, recharge, explore and even push yourself out of your comfort zone a little. It is about bringing more fun, adventure, courage, and joy into your life.

By doing this, you replenish your energy and end up feeling better and doing better – not just for you, but for everyone around you. But we still feel this huge guilt around doing something for ourselves, something we might enjoy. It feels selfish, frivolous, indulgent even.

Yet when we allow the feeling of loving ourselves and caring for ourselves in, it is very far from being selfish and self-indulgent. We all know it benefits us and the people we love; yet we still struggle to do it.

So, last night we committed to holding each other accountable to take one hour a week to replenish ourselves. As is so often the case, a lot of people were stumped when trying to think of what they might actually enjoy doing for an hour.  We fall so easily into that pattern of keeping going until we slump down exhausted at the end of the day. If I were to do something fun for an hour, what on earth would it be?

We went round the circle starting to share possible ideas. Then, one of the women asked me what my plan was. I realised I have let my habit of Soft Play slip. I went through a period of being pretty good at committing to something in my diary every week, but then busy-ness seems to have crept in again.

I have a confession: I cheated! Last night I asked my husband if he wanted to go for a bike ride with me this morning. It’s one of his days to take the kids to school, so I suggested I would come with him (they always cycle to school) then my husband and I could continue off around the hills. So, true Soft Play is a solitary activity but actually I do need time to connect with my husband as well.

He is also always busy. We do have a great work life balance but we can easily fall into habits where we rush around from one thing to another. We rarely spend time together having fun on our own – we don’t go out in the evenings very often, we both enjoy being busy, we have lots of fun as a family, but it occurred to me that maybe we’re not modelling a healthy relationship to our children.

I am pretty good at self-care. My kids know I go for a regular massage; I exercise because it makes me feel good, and I just went away to Morocco for 9 days! I do think it is important for our kids to see their parents having fun together as well though.

Because it all boils down to the fact that our children learn what they see. If you are the sort of mum who never has time for self-care, never does anything for herself, talks negatively about herself, what are you teaching your kids about being a parent?

They will learn that mums don’t deserve to have fun. That mums are at the bottom of the pile. Our sons and daughters will both learn those lessons, and internalise them – then act them out in their own relationships as adults. Where did we get this guilt from in the first place? For many of us our own parents modelled it to us from the start.

Often, although not always, there is a gender difference in this idea of having fun and meeting your needs. Often, dads will automatically have their ‘thing’ – whether it is football, going down the pub with their mates, running, biking, climbing and so on. Our children see this being acted out, that it is somehow acceptable for dad to do these things but mums do it less often, or worry about it, or feel guilty much more.

Is that a lesson you want your daughters to learn? Do you want your sons to think this is okay, just ‘the way things are’?

So, when you commit to having fun you are actually modelling to your children that everyone in the family deserves to get their needs met, and have fun along the way. They will see you relaxing, enjoying life more, being happier. What better lesson could they learn from you?

Back to my bike ride – I realised how important it is to model having fun with my husband. Before the kids, we had so much fun together. Now, we have loads of fun as a family. It is equally important that the kids see us nurturing our relationship as well. I want them to grow up to have happy, healthy relationships where everyone makes sure that they get their needs met. I want them to know that it is wonderful to get out there and just have fun!

Now, here I am back home – relaxed, happy, ready to work so I can get out and play more this afternoon!

What can you commit to this week to model healthy, happy living to your children?